Revenge of Randomness II
by Lady Nightlord
Summary: Second of the random series, this time Alucard and the Hellsing crew are included into the madness! XD WARNING! TOTAL RANDOMNESS!
1. Bus Ride

**Revenge of Randomness 2**

-Bus Ride-

Alucard sighed annoyed at the destroyed cars, how was he supposed to go hunting now? Surely he could teleport but Seras was useless at it. Looking back at Integra with a pout she just glared.

"You'll have to catch a bus."

If it was possible, Alucard would have screamed at the thought of getting on a bus.

* * *

There he was, stood waiting for the bus with Seras, both dressed in normal clothes. Alucard wore blue denim jeans and a white shirt, black jacket over the top. The bus pulled over for them and Seras took the lead asking for two tickets. Alucard had noticed the bus packed with teens going to college and the odd adult just off out. They were all loud and rowdy but as soon as he stepped on they fell silent, all of them looking at him wary. Alucard inwardly smirked but Seras grimaced. There was only one seat left, next to someone, a girl.

Before Seras had chance, Alucard was already there and made to sit down before realising there was a bag in the seat. He looked at the girl who sat by the window, earphones in making her oblivious to the outside world. He stood there for a whole three minutes as the bus moved on, everyone silently watching him, terrified of what he might do. Clicking in front of the girl's face made her jump and look at him with a glare that could easily match his. He smirked and pointed at her bag. She clicked her tongue in an annoyed way and moved her bag, somehow managing to squeeze her legs in as they were too long for her to sit forwards properly. Alucard managed to fit in somehow. Seras stood beside him holding onto one of the bars to keep herself from falling over, her oversized chest almost pressing up against a man who now looked like he'd won the lottery.

There was more silence except for the audible music he could hear coming from the girls earphones. He looked sideways at her. She had shoulder length dark brown hair that was dyed red but most of it had faded, the layers curling slightly. She wore dark blue jeans, trainers and a white shirt, a black long coat stopping at her knees. Her brown eyes behind her glasses looked at him questioningly before back out of the window.

The silence but for the slight music was slowly driving him insane, worse than he already was, then the music stopped. The girl took out her earphones and put her mp4 away in her bag. Alucard sighed wishing he had something to slaughter right now. He accidentally nudged her with his elbow. She stiffened before glaring at him then looking away again. Smirking he nudged her again, this time she returned the nudge with her elbow but harder.

'A war you want little one?' he mentally cackled.

'A war is what you'll get,' she mentally growled.

First it was a poke to the ribs, then the kidneys before they became shoves and pulls. Soon an all out battle raged between the human girl and vampire man. Seras looked between them scared for the safety of the passengers. Alucard was tempted to draw his guns on the stubborn girl. His fist aimed for her face but she dodged it in slow motion before hitting him back. Suddenly the bus put the brakes on almost de-seating the two who had been too busy fighting to notice they'd arrived.

Climbing off eventually, they looked at each other like old enemies.

"What's your name, girl?"

"Hannah, you old man?"

"Alucard," he smirked, "lets meet again."

"You can count on it," Hannah turned away but quickly spun back poking him right where his heart would lay before walking off triumphantly.

Seras' mouth was wide open, Alucard huffed.

"Damn, that's 365 to her..." he grumbled walking away.

**Moral: I am a sore loser, worse than Alucard. I MUST WIN!!! Never sit next to me on a bus, it will be the end of your life.**


	2. Hellsing Horror

**Revenge of Randomness 2**

-Hellsing Horror-

Phoenix got it into her mind to watch a horror film with her Hellsing friends. Sat in Integra's movie room, newly installed after much pleading from Phoenix, she sat on the black and red couch, Alucard to one side, Integra to the other, Pip and Seras sat on a smaller sofa to their left. Phoenix bounced over to the huge cinema screen and picked up a DVD called 'The Ring.' Pressing play she jumped back onto the sofa between Alucard and Integra, the former sighing clearly annoyed at having to watch a cheesy horror film. He used his powers to turn off the lights and the movie started.

Barely half an hour into the movie Alucard was aware of someone clinging to his arm for dear life. He was sure if he was alive his circulation would be cut off. Looking down with a raised eyebrow, he looked at Phoenix. Her eyes were around the size of his fists as they watched the screen, mouth wide open in horror at the film. Alucard chuckled; maybe he could have some fun after all.

* * *

Phoenix clung to Alucard for dear life. She had no idea how scary a horror movie was! You'd think after living around with vampire and killing ghouls would have had a higher rating of gore and horror than the film. She could feel Integra gripping the sofa with unease every time the black haired woman on the screen killed someone, the cigar once in her mouth roughly bitten in two and on the floor. Feeling the arm she clung to vanish, Phoenix yelped and looked up at the vaguely visible vampire.

"Where you going?!" she squeaked.

"A drink," he said simply before vanishing.

Soon enough it turned worse and Integra and Phoenix clung to each other, unable to turn their eyes away from the screen, mouths wide open at the scenes. A cold chill crept down the two women's necks. Phoenix gulped as did Integra.

'If we look back now it will be just like in the movie,' thought Integra, 'if we don't look back we're okay.'

'Don't look back, don't look back,' Phoenix chanted in her mind and against all willpower slowly turned her head, Integra following her example. There behind them was a person with long straight black hair and one crimson eye looking at them madly.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" they both screamed like they were being murdered.

Alucard stood back roaring with laughter as he flicked the light back on, his hair growing shorter till it was back to normal. Phoenix and Integra's hearts were racing like jackhammers. If looks could kill, and if Alucard could die, their glares would have buried him, set his grave on fire before hitting it with a nuclear missile then dumping the remains in the ocean. Hearing weird noises, the three turned to Seras and Pip who were making out on the sofa. Integra, Phoenix and Alucard screamed.

**Moral: Never, I repeat NEVER watch a horror movie with those of Hellsing.**


	3. Bayonets

**Revenge of Randomness 2**

-Bayonets-

Alucard growled in disdain as the Paladin Anderson laughed loudly and manically. Several of his blessed, silver bayonets had pierced the vampire in his chest and even they created pain in him.

'Weird little toys of his actually hurt,' he thought with a mental growl.

"Ready to lay down and die, vampire!" Anderson clashed two bayonets together.

"And spoil the fun of killing you?" Alucard raised both of his guns, "I can't see how I can go back to Hellsing without killing you first."

There was silence as the two combatants faced off, neither moving.

A tumbleweed swept through the dark corridor.

This caused the two to frown at its sudden appearance as another joined it followed by another. The ground started shaking and the two looked sideways to see a tide of tumbleweeds rolling towards them.

"Holy-!" Anderson started.

"What the-!" Alucard managed to shout before both were overrun by tumbleweeds.

* * *

Phoenix kicked the final tumbleweed through the door and slammed it shut.

"You wouldn't believe how many of these I found in the basement!" she kicked the tumbleweed onto the small mountain, blinking at the disappearance of Alucard and Anderson, "err.....guys?"

Two hands erupted from the mountain of tumbleweeds and the vampire and human pulled themselves out gasping.

"I nearly suffocated under that!" Alucard glared at Phoenix.

This caused her to rub her head in confusion, "erm, you don't need to breath so why would you suffocate? It's a bit redundant."

More silence.

The two quickly looked round to see if another army of tumbleweeds were approaching.

Seeing the coast was clear they regained their composure and Anderson pulled two more bayonets from....somewhere. Phoenix was suddenly tackling him to the ground.

"What are you doing you crazy woman?!" Anderson yelled, slightly muffled from the floor.

Phoenix patted him down, "where the hell do those bayonets come from?! Unless...." her eyes strayed slowly down to the Paladin's backside, "OMG THAT'S BAD!!!"

Alucard started laughing manically as Phoenix ran away screaming, "THE PALADIN HAS BAYONETS UP HIS BACKSIDE!!!!"

Anderson leapt up a furious red, "I DO NOT!!"

"I always wondered why you were so uptight," Alucard commented with a smirk.

"I AM NOT!!"

Phoenix suddenly returned with an evil grin, "only one way to find out," and pulled out a giant magnet that made the Paladin pale.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!" he screamed, running down the corridors, fleeing for his life.

Phoenix gave chase, "IT WON'T HURT!!!.....MUCH!!!!"

Alucard stowed his guns away with a dark chuckle only to suddenly shudder as the magnet was turned on from the other end of the corridor. Alucard and the Paladin's feet left off the ground and both were flying through the air towards Phoenix. She twitched.

"Uh-oh."

The two giant men collided with her and the magnet and the three crumpled to the ground, groaning in pain.

"Phoenix....I am going to kill you," Alucard growled.

"Not if I kill her first," Anderson groaned in pain.

Phoenix suddenly popped up from between them with a joyous look, "I FOUND HIS STASH!!"

Seras suddenly came running with her giant Harconnen cannon.

"Master! Phoenix! Are you two alright?!"

She spun round a corner and observed the three for a second before she turned bright red and dropped the cannon, covering her eyes with both hands.  
"I-I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-s-sorry!!! I d-d-d-d-didn't see anything! I-I-I s-s-s-s-swear!" before dashing off, a brilliant crimson colouring.

"Eh?" Phoenix scratched her chin in thought.

Anderson lay on the ground on his back with Phoenix sprawled over him, her elbow digging into his chest while Alucard had managed to fall above Phoenix, his coat hiding all but their heads.

"Ah! I see," Phoenix clicked, her elbow digging into the Paladin's chest painfully, "she believes she has seen _something_......she sure has a dirty mind."

"Well..." Anderson managed to speak, "this does kind of look bad."

"Then why hasn't Alucard gotten off of me?" Phoenix questioned herself out loud.

She could practically hear the smirk crack slowly onto Alucard's face behind her and her eyes widened to the size of dinner plates.

"PHOENIX-SANDWICH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

**Moral: Never tempt a fangirl to find out the mysteries of the Bayonet....and not let her loose near tumbleweeds (she get's excitable easily) NEVER USE MAGNETS! They usually end in embarrassment. Hehehehe.....**


End file.
